I struggle to let things be just okay.
And often, the very thing that holds me back from going after my dreams (big or small) is being afraid that I won’t do it perfectly. I’ll fall short of the unicorn that I’ve built it up to be in my mind.
Why do I feel the need to be perfect? Who exactly am I trying to impress? Myself? You?
Nah. I’m not fooling anyone. I’m fully flawed, and I really do love who I am. I think the charade started way back in my teenage years when I was figuring out who I was supposed to be. But now that life’s taught me who I actually am, it’s easy to embrace and grow into being the best version of that person I’ve come to love.
So, in that spirit, I’m going to be sharing my experiences – good and bad – in hopes that you’ll see more of what shapes me day to day.
I’ve been hesitant to show my struggles – the weeds in my garden. Both literally and metaphorically. Maybe you can relate in this day and age when women, and mothers especially, try and do all the things. And look Instagram-worthy while doing them.
In the last year, I’ve made a ton of changes.
We moved to our dream home.
We decided to start homeschooling our two children.
I started my own graphic design business and online shop.
I planted the most ambitious first garden I have ever seen.
Now I suppose that one big change could have been the catalyst for the rest of them. I mean, why not just pile everything on at the same time?
Because you’ll go crazy, that’s why.
I’ve faced a lot of anxiety and pressure going up against spreading myself in so many directions. It’s taken a lot of honesty to really admit that. I’m a prideful person, and though I don’t flaunt my accomplishments, I definitely feel like I’m worth more if I can say I did it myself. Ouch. That is hard to say. But it makes a lot of sense, because I’m constantly telling people I don’t need their help with this task or that little detail.
And I’m feeling it!
Now that I can accept those things about myself, I can do something about it! I can continue to do things that work for me, and I can cut out the things that don’t. I’m getting better at asking for help. I’m doing my work in the evenings when my kids are sleeping, so I can spend time with them intentionally. We can drop what we’re doing and go to the park. I can sit and read books to them for hours.
Basically what I’m saying is, I’m a recovering perfectionist.
I love being surrounded by nature, and wide open spaces, and beauty. I dream of having a weed-free garden, but since that is impossible to maintain, I will be happy with the abundance of food that my imperfect weedy garden has provided my family this growing season.